Jessica's Musings

So I haven’t posted in awhile- Nursing school keeps me busy. But I have a few minutes while I sit here and wait to leave for work. I had a good night last night with my friends Savannah and her brother Chris. I don’t get to see her very often, so I love when we get to spend time together! We are so alike :) It was thursday, of course, so we were at the legion… I took it back old school and sang some Celine Dion- It’s all coming back to me now.. I love that song! I always used to listen to what my mom listened to when I was a kid… so I know a lot of Celine Dion and Eagles, haha. But it was fun. That place is my home. No matter who I’m with, or whatever shit is going on in my life, I know I will have a good time and forget about all that while I’m there. It was fantastic.

Aside from that, I was supposed to give blood for the first time yesterday. I got there, hyperventilated, shook, thought briefly about passing out, and then after all that, I couldn’t even give blood- I’m still on antibiotics. Boooo.

But, on a good note, I totally passed my injection check off this morning. I never thought I wouldn’t, but I didn’t even think about it like I did with the last one. Didn’t worry about it, didn’t go over notes again, I was confident that I knew what I was doing, and I did! Yay! I feel a little better about my life choice haha :)

OK, well it’s time for work now, and then I’ll be studying for the 325 test for monday. Have a happy friday!

What is this life, if but a shadow of the past?

I can’t help but think lately of the past. Isn’t our past supposed to teach us? Entitle us to a better future because we learned from our mistakes? In my experience, history has done nothing but repeat itself. Unknowingly, I make the same decisions I would have made if I had never made the prior mistakes. Is there some ‘I can’t learn from my mistakes’ disease? And if there is, is there a cure? Can someone save me from myself? I would like to think that I’m not one who needs saving, but…  I try not to be a liar. I’ve only ever been strong when I needed to be, when I had to be. But on an everyday, live your life basis, it’s not enough.

“How do you do it?” I love/hate this question. Well, love is used sarcastically, so I guess that I only hate it. Don’t freaking ask me that stupid question. How does anyone do anything? By breathing. You either do it well or you do it poorly, but everyone always does it- Does what? Live. Yes, I work while I’m in nursing school. How do I do it? I have no freaking clue. NONE. I am always tired, always crabby, and I guarantee my schoolwork suffers because I have no time to study or do homework. I’ve got so much freaking information in my brain I can never remember assignments, tests, quizzes, check-offs, work schedules, where I’m supposed to be, when, what I’m supposed to bring with me, and what I was supposed to do before getting there. I AM FREAKING OUT! I am nervous all the time that I am forgetting something. And believe me, I try and write EVERYTHING down… But it is extremely probable that I will forget something eventually. I mean seriously! How am I supposed to do this? I worry about the bills I can’t pay, the gas I can’t pump, the food that I am addicted to and HAVE to have… I’m not really sure I can do it!

So, how do I do it? I’m not sure I do.

So last night, I went to the legion - same as every thursday- and had a good time. But what was different about last night? I drank water. I still sang, I still hung out with my friends, laughed, joked… but I have no hangover today, no stomachache, no headache. Originally, it was a trade-off I had made with a friend who was on 24/7 but continued to drink. So I told him that if he could come and hang out with us and NOT drink, then I would too. But actually, I enjoyed it! I sat and watched, as fights broke out, drunk people who could barely stand and were falling over, dropping glasses, popcorn, being loud, obnoxious, and rude… and I thought… what fools! Why would anyone want to disrespect themselves and the people they are with that way? Some of them were wearing firefighter sweatshirts, or other such things, and I thought that was absolutely disrespectful.. Anyway, my point is- I have been there before, drunk, slurring, stumbling, loud… and I know how annoying it can be for your sober friends. So, from now on, (and this saves money too!), I will maybe have one, or two. And then water. I will respect myself and my friends and enjoy the company, not the drug.

Another thing- I have a confession. I am seriously addicted to fast food. Or any food that isn’t from home. Sometimes mom will make dinner and I’ll still eat something after that, even though I’m not really hungry. I am ALWAYS hungry, and I always eat. It’s getting to the point where I’ll go down a never ending spiral if I don’t catch it now. At this point, I don’t really know what to do about it, but I have to figure something out. Even if I don’t have money to go out, I still try everything in my power to do so… and when that doesnt work I am seriously pissed off and in a terrible mood. HELP! Haha Not having any time is another hard part. I’ve never taken a ‘sack lunch’ ANYWHERE. Not at school, not to work, not anywhere. Someone’s gunna have to teach me all these things that children can do so easily! Like run around, and play, and bike ride.. Ugh.

Well anyway… This is the first day of a 4 day work weekend stretch. :( I’d better get to it.

Have a good day!

OK, so that may be a bit of an exaggeration. But I really do fear blood donation. I have always ALWAYS refused to do it, it scares the crap out of me! Ouch. I figured that it would take something drastic to get me to do it, and I would have to say it would be the shooting. Someone, somewhere gave blood that helped Nick hold on for a few days… and I want to help someone else’s best friend, or mom, or son have life.

(Also, I think I’m going to start doing a daily quote, not necessarily for anyone else, but for motivation to start my day..)

I’ll repost or just add to this one once lunch is over and I suck it up and do it. :/ EEK! I am overreacting, I’m sure.. People do this all the time! Every two weeks or something, right? Once they find out my blood type, then they’ll be trying to make me give my blood often. Siigh.

So what do you all think it means to be a good friend? Well, since the guy who was the best friend to anyone he met is no longer here, I’ll have to try and describe what I think it means. The list is really too long to type it all out, but here’s a few things:

1.) Knowing when to listen and when to give advice.

2.) Deciphering the difference between responsibility to your workplace and the responsibility to a friend who needs you. And that sometimes, a job isn’t worth it.

3.) Knowing that there is a need before it is voiced.

4.) Surprising them with a few of their favorite things when #3 happens.

5.) Understanding that words said in anger and anguish are not always meant for you.

6.) Knowing exactly what the other person is thinking without having to say a word.

7.) Being able to be kids together, even if you didn’t know each other as kids.

8.) Knowing that the amount of time you’ve known each other doesn’t matter, it’s the experiences you’ve shared that makes you true friends.

9.) Using any resources you can come up with just to make them smile.

10.) Knowing that your friends deserve to hear the truth, but that they also deserve to hear it with tact and respect.

So today, I will not try to take the place of one friend, but I will be the friend that I am. Nick isn’t here, but that doesn’t mean that his values and spirit aren’t here. I can try to be great like he was, because that’s exactly what he was— great.

Today is the first day of the fall weather I have been dreading. Generally speaking, I don’t like to do homework anywhere but home, but I might have to go to a coffee shop today for some vanilla chai!

It hasn’t been much of an interesting day today so far, but every day has an opportunity to be great ;) Basically we met this morning with our public health community clinical instructor and received our tentative semester schedule. Thank goodness we don’t really do anything for a month!! What a great day in the middle of the week to get some homework and other much needed work done!

Two of the things we have to do within the next few weeks for this class are to interview a public health nurse- our group gets to go to the detox center- how exciting! and the other thing is to interview someone in YFS about Girls Inc.

Here’s what I learned about Girls Inc.: Mission: “Stronger girls, stronger community.” “Inspiring all girls to be strong, smart, and bold!” It is a program of Youth and Family Services, which is a United Way Agency. It is 100% donation funded, but doesn’t require a large fee for membership — only $20 for the whole year. Its only limitations are that you are a girl, ages 6-17. The building itself is on 120 E Adams St. Summer hours are M-F 7:45am-4pm, and in school it is M, T, Th, F 2:45pm-8pm, with Wednesdays opening a little early at 1:30. Weekends are 7:45am-4pm. The $20 fee includes meals, snacks, field trips, transportation, etc. Girls Inc is more than just a daycare- It provides fun and education activities, Literacy programs, tutoring, homework help, monthly parent activities, and other programs that help girls get into math and science in a fun and exciting way. All in all, it’s a great program for girls to build relationships, social skills, and set and achieve life goals. If you’re interested, let me know and I can connect you to the proper channels :)

Other than that, I don’t have a whole lot to talk about today. I just need to get all of the clinical paperwork done that is due tomorrow and take our Pharmacology test tonight. Wish me luck, all!

Have a good afternoon.

This morning when I woke up at 4:30, having gotten minimal sleep the night before but somehow having excited energy for the day, I never knew that my life would be so impacted by the time I got home.

My patient was a 93 year old woman who had the most uplifted spirits of anyone I have ever met. I imagine she was the type who had never said a bad word towards anyone in her entire life. Her motto is, “I always say ‘I’ll try it’, and if I can’t do it, I can’t do it, but at least I tried.” How profound!

We had several assessments and lists of questions to ask, but I found that throughout our conversation, most of my questions were already answered. She talked about all the things she loved to do, like crosswords, read books, and oil painting. She is extremely independent and lived on her own until falling recently, and was only at our facility for brief rehab before moving to her own assisted living apartment. Her strength and perseverance were astounding and extremely motivated. She LOVED physical therapy because she knew the harder she worked, the sooner she could go home.

She and her husband were married just short of 67 years, and they had three children. She said that she and her husband had decided a long time before that they would tell their children every single day that they loved them, and every night at bedtime, they did.

We talked about our families, how my family was German and she was full Czech. We exchanged recipes, craft ideas, sewing stories- what she used to do for a living (spending a short time as a seamstress), and her life growing up and working hard on her mom and dad’s farm. She told me she was closer with her father than her mother, and that when she told them she was getting married and moving to California, her dad gave her a whole $100. He was two years younger than she, 23-21. She had taken a long time to finally decide to be with him, but she said she was glad when she finally did. She got a little weepy when she talked about him, as she told me of his slow death from lymphoma.

She was extremely pleasant and joyful to speak with, and I know I will remember this woman for the rest of my life. She had wondered aloud why she was still alive, after having a fulfilling life… But I know the answer. If nothing else, it was so that I could meet her and have my life changed forever by a woman who loves rice crispies. <3